this is me… at the moment in my cold apartment. I’m just waiting for a bunch of snow to come so i could pack my windows and use it as some kind of insulation.
- Space heater fan that unleashes the living daylight.
- Black under armour knee highs.
- Black sesame tea.
It’s been about 4 years since I broke up with my boyfriend at the time, now ex. Now I’m not here to reminisce, miss, or compare him to my boyfriend right now. Just a random thought that came through my mind while just checking up on his facebook.. which I haven’t in a long time (so please don’t think I’m some crazy stalker ex-girlfriend).
It’s weird to think that the person you were once the closest to is the person you’re slowly forgetting in your memory. If you’ve ever seen Wong Fu’s “Strangers Again” video, you’ll probably understand where I’m trying to get at. So my ex got this “timeline” thing on facebook and so I decided to see what happened through the year’s we dated.. I clicked Timeline, 2006. We became friends on facebook, cool. Timeline, 2007.. oh hey there’s our turnabout pictures & what’s this? A video of him playing the guitar. Hmm, looks familiar lemme play it. It was a very complex piece played by Eric Turnbull called Low C. At this moment, I realized that I had completely forgotten that he picked up the guitar and got really good at it within a week. I have completely forgotten that he can do the rubix cube in 45 seconds. I’m starting to forget about that relationship (which is probably good because I’m in another one haha). But it’s so strange how that happens.. or maybe I’m just easily amused hahaha. We try to keep up with our friendship but due to relationship reasons we barely talk to each other.. BARELY (which is probably also good because we’re both in a relationship hahaha). The memories start to fade and things get more vague. The songs we used to call “our songs” is rapidly becoming easier to listen to without feeling any emotion. Out of My League by Stephen Speaks was a song he dedicated to me, but now it’s a song I think to myself when I know that one guy friend will never have a chance (sorry if I sound slightly conceited). Everything is constantly changing.. from old to new. It’s funny how I still remember everything about my once used to be friends but I’m slowly forgetting things about my relationship with him.
We talk every once in a blue moon, & we’re still friends. I never said I forgot about our friendship, just forgetting about the relationship.. and I think that’s how it should be. It’s good to know heartbreaks don’t last forever! 
It’s been a semester and I feel like I’ve been through a lot of changes. I’m renting out my very first apartment, I started working two jobs, I’m realizing what it means to sacrifice a lot for the sake of living under a roof. Then again, I also realized the amount of support my step-dad gives to me. I’m not talking about words of encouragement, I’m talking about financial support.
It’s been an eye-opening semester because for the first time, I was living off of my own paycheck. Of course sometimes my mother would help pitch in some grocery money here and there but I hate asking. Let’s just say she does not make as much as my dad but is financially supportive when I really need it. I just wish my step-dad could do the same. Not even pay for my rent because I got it under control but maybe even, just giving me 50 bucks just so it could help me pay for books to say the least. I’ve been a so called “work-a-holic” as my friends say. Sad part is, getting paid is a sad sight because you feel like you’ve earned a lot less than what you feel like you should’ve earned.
It feels as if my step-dad kind of pushed me off from the side of the earth for me to become fully independent. I think it would be better if he attached a rope to me & then pushed me off the side of the earth. Just so when I’m falling hard, he could at least catch me & help out a bit. I really respect those people who do fend for themselves and do not need help from parents at all. Props to you guys.
Jeez, my entries all sound so pathetic. :/
How do I start this… Well, first of all, I thought I was decently popular back in high school. I had many groups of friends and we all got along. I was able to approach them with comfort and never held back. I look back and wonder, where did it all go? All those people who had my back, all those times we turned to each other for advice..
College, in college I started to realize that going down my phone book.. out of the 200-300 people in my list, I was only able to bring up around 5-8 people that I could call just to talk as friends. To some people 5-8 is enough. To me, it was enough but what was sad was all the friendships that I’ve had, I held dear back in high school, are just names on my phone book just in case. Just in case I needed them for help, just in case someone else didn’t have their number and needed it, just in case for the sake of networking in the future.
When I look at it now… I think, where did it all go? Why wasn’t I able to keep my friendships strong? I’ve been trying to rekindle friendships, I’ve tried to study with some friends that I haven’t talked to for years… But in the end, it’s really up to them to accept it. Sometimes, it just ends up with me being left behind in the attempt to catch up. I try and it is heart-breaking. I still remember almost everything about the friends that I once knew, but now it feels like a waste of knowledge. It’s not like I’ll bust them out sooner or later..
Now, I just don’t want to meet people. I don’t want to get to know them and then.. let it all fade.
“At my signal, unleash hell.”
– Russell Crowe (Gladiator)
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
May I learn to have faith & be faithful.
the verse that pulls me through dark times.
It’s my senior year of college… but I’m not going to be graduating for another two years. Two years is possibly cutting it short. College is going to be a never ending story for me. I feel that even by the time I’m 30, I’ll still be in college. I just hope to God that I’ll finish college as soon as I could. It’s starting to become scary to me. I don’t want to be stuck in college forever. But really, all I can do is try my hardest and graduate. I know I shouldn’t feel rushed because our timing is all different. God gave us different timings. All I can really do is trust in the Lord and do my part. I should really stop freaking out about graduating and focus on working harder. God, I hope you’ll provide me with a wealthy man who can help me pay back my loans! 
Just kidding!
I’ve been listening to Just a Kiss by Lady Antebellum forever now.
This song makes me emotional & want to cry but I love it. If you see the music video, it makes you even more sad!
I’ve been having crazy ass dreams lately..
One was about Coraline (the creepy movie) & I was basically her. & instead of the Other mother it was captain jack sparrow trying to kill visitors from our world & turn us button eyed. The next day I visited the world again & everything was normal. Some friends were in the other world & they were all nice & friendly. Then I realized they were button-eyed victims in disguise to hurt me. Then one of my friends decided to sacrifice himself (told everyone he wasn’t button-eyed) so that I can escape back to my world. I had to go through this underground hallway with windows on both sides but all you can see through these windows were dirt (because it was underground). The creepy hand from Coraline started following me from the outside. It was digging so it can see me through the windows. Then I managed to go back to my other world.. But before that I had to get on a space shuttle in order to get to my world (that was really random LOL).
Then last night I had a dream I was strolling with my newborn & then suddenly this gang started chasing after us to hurt us. This old man told us to come hide in his store & that he’ll have the store locked up so they don’t come in. He seemed a bit sketchy at first. I didn’t trust him that much so I decided to take precautions and hide somewhere else. As soon as you know it, the mob broke into the store before I could hide. So I hide behind a corner wall & looked for things to defend myself. A chair? No. Table? Too big & I’m holding onto a baby. Glass plates & bowls? Yes. I smashed glass bowls on their heads to hurt them. Then my boyfriend/husband came in to the rescue.
what’s wrong with me =__=
Some things I tell myself when I fail, can’t decide, or lose motivation.
“Hustle hard. Hustle harder.”
When I wake up late & don’t go to class, I tend to freak out inside my mind. I tell myself that I’m going to fail that I’m going to get an F on that exam coming, etc. But all you can do next time is.. hustle harder.
“Never let down an opportunity”
I was asked to be a small group leader the day before this conference called ‘MAASU (midwest asian american students union)’. I’ve been a leader before, why be a follower when I know that I can be a potentially good leader? I took that chance in a heartbeart.
“Success starts from a beginning point.”
I recently started working as a waitress/server at a restaurant. I thought that if I wanted to work at a very well paying restaurant for soem extra money, might as well take little steps to it. So here I am, my first time as a server at a sushi restaurant. Wish me luck!
“A crying baby gets fed breast milk.”
Something my step-dad told me. During the summer, I talked to him about internships and my career. I didn’t apply to this one internship because I thought I would never get it. All my dad told me is, no interview = no chance of internship. If you request them for an interview.. there’s a higher chance than none.
“Don’t mind those who don’t care.”
I used to be very.. sensitive to what people thought about me. I want to be liked by everyone. I realized in the end that in this big big world, there will be people who wont like you just because. There’s nothing we can do. So move on & be with the people who care. Love you guys
“I am sexy. I am beautiful.”
I have my moments of not being confident with my looks. But this semester, I’ve been realizing that I am my own self and that I am beautiful for being who I am. I have my flaws and my wrong-doings.. but so has everyone else. I am beautiful & not every guy or girl will think that about me. It’s okay, guys like confident women.. hahaha jk!
“Like Beyonce, be an independant woman!”
I am an independent woman! I don’t need guys to tell me I’m beautiful. Heck, I haven’t heard that I’m beautiful from my boyfriend in.. awhile. But I know that he thinks I am. 
Yeah, these little mental quotes give me motivation to get through school.
